...And God Created the Greyhound
On the first
day, God created the Greyhound.
On the second
day, God created man to serve the Greyhound.
On the third
day, God created the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the
On the fourth
day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the
On the fifth
day, God created the tennis ball so that the Greyhound could or could not
On the sixth
day, God created veterinary science to keep the Greyhound healthy and the man
On the seventh
day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the Greyhound……
On the eighth
day, God believeth that He was done, but Lo! The Garden of Eden was full of
Greyhound poop and craters. Adam & Eve, having been banished from the garden, no
longer dwelleth therein to serve the Greyhound, so it came to pass that He had
to clean the mess up Himself. And God was displeased.
On the ninth
day, God sayeth unto the Heavens, "Who hath dominion here, me or the Greyhound?
On the tenth
day, God came upon the Greyhound cockroached on His throne and abideth there
unmoving, despite all His beseeching.
And so it came
to pass that God had his answer. He then sayeth unto Moses, "Fine! You’re in
charge now. Here’s my ten commandments. You deal with the Greyhound! I’m
retiring to Miami Beach!
convinced the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of bondage in Egypt and
journey to the Promised Land. God sayeth unto Moses, "The Promised Land shall be
yours, but you must take the Greyhound with you.
And so it came
to pass that the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, waiting for
the Greyhound to go potty, mark every bush and sniff every blade of grass in its
Greyhound was fruitful and multiplied.
The people were
taken by the comliness and manner of the Greyhound, but they were sorely
distressed. "Lord" they cried out, "The Greyhound is an attractive and sweet
creature, but there are so many, what shall we do?"
And God sayeth
unto the people, "Ye are a cursed people and shall be known as adopters! Thy
yards shall be barren of grass. Thy dwellings shall overflow with dog beds,
squeaky toys and Greyhound kitsch. Thy carpets shall be forever stained. Thy
vet bills shalt be large and thy lives forever ordered around by the Greyhound.
And thy minds shall be muddled, as thou shalt treat thy Greyhounds as thy do
your human offspring."
begat Chippers. And Chippers begat Fosters. And Fosters begat Adoption Groups.
And Adoption Groups begat Discussion Lists. And Discussion Lists begat
Gatherings. And Gatherings begat Vendors. And Vendors begat a wardrobe for the
Greyhound. And the Greyhound was spoiled.
God looked down
on this and was pleased.
The Boys vs The Girls
"I'm relentless in my need and desire to be in your face, on you, over you,
under your feet, behind you, in front of you, next to you. You adopted me
and now you will have no rest from me, ever. I may just lift my leg on
everything you touch, in tribute to you, every time I think you are looking at
some other dog. If you'd let me, I'd probably nurse. I will be a perpetually
needy child, demanding attention, affection, and constant affirmation, no matter
how old either one of us gets."
"Thanks for liberating me. You go ahead and do your alpha thing, but let's just
be equals in the ways that really count. Show me the ropes and I'll settle right
in. Who are the players? Where's my spot? What stuff is mine? What time's
Here are the rules:
1. If you wanted a clown, you should have adopted from the circus.
2. I ain't a blonde.
3. Talk to the butt, the face ain't listenin'.
4. I can out-pee almost any dog on the planet in my quest to pee last.
5. I won't lick you if you don't lick me.
6. I'll always be close by, but call me. We'll have lunch if we're both free."
A Grehound shold be heeded lyke a snake
And neckyd lyke a drake,
Backed lyke a beam,
Syded lyke a bream,
Footed lyke a catte,
Tayllyd lyke a rat
Dame Juliana Berners, Abbess of Sopwell Priory at
St. Albans 1486
The Greihound should have a long hede and somedele
grete, ymaked in the manner of a luce; a good large mouth and good sessours, the
one again the other, so that nether jaws passe no them above, ne that thei above
passe not him neither.
The neck should be grete and longe, and bowed as a
swanness’s neck. Her shuldres as a roebuck; the for leggs streght and grete ynow;
and nought to hind legges; the feet straught and round as a catte, and great
cleas; the boones and joyntes of the cheyne grete and hard as the chyne of an
hert; the thighs great and squarred as an hare; the houghs streight, and not
crompyng as of an oxe.
A cattess’s tayle, making a ring at eend, but not to
Of all manere of Greihoundes there byn both good and
evel; Natheless the best hewe is rede falow, with a black moselle.
Edmund de Langley, a son of King Edward III, in the 1370’s
Sleeping with Dogs
(Applies to all dogs, not just greyhounds)
I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping
with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I
will later add a
cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. Now I myself having 3 dogs
consider myself at the proficient level.
To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed,
the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There
is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of
dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that
before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the
dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.
I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way
to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs
spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs
ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an
statement of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" principle". It is also to create
leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held
tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on
top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the
When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU,
spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT
THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly
under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As
soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches
again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE
LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES! A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow
created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into
position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to
describe without slides).
Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE
HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if
you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for
a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs
are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.
When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to
sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A
DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE!
Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three
more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your
front, and the other against your back, the
cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both
dogs. All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still
needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching
needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep
while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.
If I Did Not Have
1. I could walk around my yard barefoot in safety.
2. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
3. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of dog hair.
4. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the NCDL kennels.
5. When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through dog
bodies who beat me there.
6. I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into consideration
how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.
7. I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree-like dog bones,
stuffed animals or have to answer to people why I wrap them.
8. I would not be on a first name basis with three vets.
9. The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: "out", "sit", "down","come",
"no", "stay", and "leave him/her/it ALONE".
10. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
11. My pockets would not contain things like poo bags, dog treats and an extra
12. I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L or F-R-I-S-B-E- E or
W-A-L-K or C-O-O-K-I-E-S.
13. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.
14. I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties
them down too much.
15. I'd look forward to Spring and the melting of the snow instead of dreading
16. I would not have to answer the question "Why do I have so many dogs?" from
people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved
unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.
17. How empty my life would be....
(Author unknown, but it could be any of us)
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