...And God Created the Greyhound

On the first day, God created the Greyhound.

On the second day, God created man to serve the Greyhound.

On the third day, God created the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the Greyhound.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the Greyhound.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the Greyhound could or could not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Greyhound healthy and the man broke. (AMEN!!!)

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the Greyhound……

(Unknown author)

 

On the eighth day, God believeth that He was done, but Lo! The Garden of Eden was full of Greyhound poop and craters. Adam & Eve, having been banished from the garden, no longer dwelleth therein to serve the Greyhound, so it came to pass that He had to clean the mess up Himself. And God was displeased.

 

On the ninth day, God sayeth unto the Heavens, "Who hath dominion here, me or the Greyhound?

 

On the tenth day, God came upon the Greyhound cockroached on His throne and abideth there unmoving, despite all His beseeching.

And so it came to pass that God had his answer. He then sayeth unto Moses, "Fine! You’re in charge now. Here’s my ten commandments. You deal with the Greyhound! I’m retiring to Miami Beach!

 

And Moses convinced the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of bondage in Egypt and journey to the Promised Land. God sayeth unto Moses, "The Promised Land shall be yours, but you must take the Greyhound with you.

 

And so it came to pass that the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the wilderness, waiting for the Greyhound to go potty, mark every bush and sniff every blade of grass in its domain.

 

And the Greyhound was fruitful and multiplied.

 

The people were taken by the comliness and manner of the Greyhound, but they were sorely distressed. "Lord" they cried out, "The Greyhound is an attractive and sweet creature, but there are so many, what shall we do?"

 

And God sayeth unto the people, "Ye are a cursed people and shall be known as adopters! Thy yards shall be barren of grass. Thy dwellings shall overflow with dog beds, squeaky toys and Greyhound kitsch. Thy carpets shall be forever stained. Thy vet bills shalt be large and thy lives forever ordered around by the Greyhound. And thy minds shall be muddled, as thou shalt treat thy Greyhounds as thy do your human offspring."

 

And Adopters begat Chippers. And Chippers begat Fosters. And Fosters begat Adoption Groups. And Adoption Groups begat Discussion Lists. And Discussion Lists begat Gatherings. And Gatherings begat Vendors. And Vendors begat a wardrobe for the Greyhound. And the Greyhound was spoiled.

 

God looked down on this and was pleased.

 

(Brett Weeks.)

 

 


 

The Boys vs The Girls

 

Boys:
"I'm relentless in my need and desire to be in your face, on you, over you, under your feet, behind you, in front of you, next to you.  You adopted me and now you will have no rest from me, ever. I may just lift my leg on everything you touch, in tribute to you, every time I think you are looking at some other dog. If you'd let me, I'd probably nurse. I will be a perpetually needy child, demanding attention, affection, and constant affirmation, no matter how old either one of us gets."

High maintenance.


Girls:
"Thanks for liberating me. You go ahead and do your alpha thing, but let's just be equals in the ways that really count. Show me the ropes and I'll settle right in. Who are the players? Where's my spot? What stuff is mine? What time's dinner?

Here are the rules:
1. If you wanted a clown, you should have adopted from the circus.
2. I ain't a blonde.
3. Talk to the butt, the face ain't listenin'.
4. I can out-pee almost any dog on the planet in my quest to pee last.
5. I won't lick you if you don't lick me.
6. I'll always be close by, but call me. We'll have lunch if we're both free."

Low maintenance.

 

 


 

Medieval Greyhounds

(OLD English)

A Grehound shold be heeded lyke a snake

And neckyd lyke a drake,

Backed lyke a beam,

Syded lyke a bream,

Footed lyke a catte,

Tayllyd lyke a rat

     Dame Juliana Berners, Abbess of Sopwell Priory at St. Albans 1486

 

The Greihound should have a long hede and somedele grete, ymaked in the manner of a luce; a good large mouth and good sessours, the one again the other, so that nether jaws passe no them above, ne that thei above passe not him neither.

The neck should be grete and longe, and bowed as a swanness’s neck. Her shuldres as a roebuck; the for leggs streght and grete ynow; and nought to hind legges; the feet straught and round as a catte, and great cleas; the boones and joyntes of the cheyne grete and hard as the chyne of an hert; the thighs great and squarred as an hare; the houghs streight, and not crompyng as of an oxe.

A cattess’s tayle, making a ring at eend, but not to hie.

Of all manere of Greihoundes there byn both good and evel; Natheless the best hewe is rede falow, with a black moselle.

                 Edmund de Langley, a son of King Edward III, in the 1370’s

 

 


 

Sleeping with Dogs

(Applies to all dogs, not just greyhounds)

 

I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs.  For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a
cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. Now I myself having 3 dogs consider myself at the proficient level.


To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There
is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that
before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.


I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs
spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an
statement of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie" principle". It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held
tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip:

When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES! A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).

Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.

When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A
DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the
cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still
needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep
while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

(author unknown)

 

 


 

If I Did Not Have Greyhounds..............


1. I could walk around my yard barefoot in safety.


2. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.


3. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of dog hair.


4. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the NCDL kennels.


5. When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through dog bodies who beat me there.


6. I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.


7. I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree-like dog bones, stuffed animals or have to answer to people why I wrap them.


8. I would not be on a first name basis with three vets.


9. The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: "out", "sit", "down","come", "no", "stay", and "leave him/her/it ALONE".


10. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.


11. My pockets would not contain things like poo bags, dog treats and an extra leash.


12. I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L or F-R-I-S-B-E- E or W-A-L-K or C-O-O-K-I-E-S.


13. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.


14. I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much.


15. I'd look forward to Spring and the melting of the snow instead of dreading "mud season".


16. I would not have to answer the question "Why do I have so many dogs?" from people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.


17. How empty my life would be....

 

              (Author unknown, but it could be any of us)

 

 

This page last updated 10/02/2011

 


 

 

   

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